Is there anything constructive to be done with grief? How long does a "normal" grieving process last? At what point are you okay with life returning to "normal" (whatever that is?)?
I'm not trying to be melodramatic here. In fact, I am a little bemused at my inability to get with the program and move on with life. My godfather has been a distant part of my life for a long time - his age and frailty has made travel impossible on his side, and I have a family of small children. But, somehow, even though I know how death works, I think a part of me just expected him to be around always.
I'm an adult. I have lost people beloved to me before, but when I was younger. My parents are both still alive. So are my five siblings. Two of my grandparents died before I was even a spark in my parents' eyes, and the other two are still living. I love an important spiritual mentor as a sophomore in college, but I don't remember feeling quite the same... lethargy to life.
I take care of my kids - they are fed, watered, bathed, and loved. The house? Not so much. I only washed the dishes today because my younger sister called, and I couldn't read while I was on the phone with her. My husband probably could do with a little better home cookin' (in a less introspective mood, I may later tell you about the FAILED cheeseburger helper. Yuck. Not the fault of grief, though, just spoiled meat). Things that must get done, get done. But that UFO challenge? I was into it, but I'm struggling. My monochromatic quilt? It'll get done. You might think that my quilting is okay to put on the back burner, but it is something I need to help me gather my thoughts and process. But it's not working right now.
I know this feeling will get better. I just wish I knew if there was something I should (could?) do with it. I don't like emotions. I am a factual, blunt person about many things (just ask my husband. He would like me to be a little more huggable at times). My entire family doesn't do nuances of emotions (it might have something to do with Asperger's Syndrome. Definitely.).
But I love my kids, I love my husband, and they love me, and God clearly has a plan, so I will be okay.
from the room of Zana's Ninis,
katie z.
I'm not trying to be melodramatic here. In fact, I am a little bemused at my inability to get with the program and move on with life. My godfather has been a distant part of my life for a long time - his age and frailty has made travel impossible on his side, and I have a family of small children. But, somehow, even though I know how death works, I think a part of me just expected him to be around always.
I'm an adult. I have lost people beloved to me before, but when I was younger. My parents are both still alive. So are my five siblings. Two of my grandparents died before I was even a spark in my parents' eyes, and the other two are still living. I love an important spiritual mentor as a sophomore in college, but I don't remember feeling quite the same... lethargy to life.
I take care of my kids - they are fed, watered, bathed, and loved. The house? Not so much. I only washed the dishes today because my younger sister called, and I couldn't read while I was on the phone with her. My husband probably could do with a little better home cookin' (in a less introspective mood, I may later tell you about the FAILED cheeseburger helper. Yuck. Not the fault of grief, though, just spoiled meat). Things that must get done, get done. But that UFO challenge? I was into it, but I'm struggling. My monochromatic quilt? It'll get done. You might think that my quilting is okay to put on the back burner, but it is something I need to help me gather my thoughts and process. But it's not working right now.
I know this feeling will get better. I just wish I knew if there was something I should (could?) do with it. I don't like emotions. I am a factual, blunt person about many things (just ask my husband. He would like me to be a little more huggable at times). My entire family doesn't do nuances of emotions (it might have something to do with Asperger's Syndrome. Definitely.).
But I love my kids, I love my husband, and they love me, and God clearly has a plan, so I will be okay.
from the room of Zana's Ninis,
katie z.
4 comments:
You have an amazing outlook and I'm sure you will survive this. Grief strikes people in the weirdest way and to actually acknowledge that you are grieving is part of the process. I hope you feel better soon.
Thinking of you Katie...things will sort out in their own time. Keep up what you are doing, it is more than enough!
Grief is hard and I don't think there is ever a set "schedule." I have been fortunate to not have lost a person close to me, but I lost my leg and right pelvis to cancer about a year ago and I have gone through a different kind of grief. In one swoop I lost my leg and my ability to safely carry children. I didn't realize how much my husband and I wanted kids until we had it taken away at 24. But time heals all wounds. So right now I say you are doing good taking care of the kids and if the dishes don't get washed they don't. Just keep head up because it will get better. Somehow we always find the strength we need.
I love you, dearest sister! It's a good thing to be able to grieve, I think. I think we appreciate what we had and may have again. I love you!
Post a Comment